Dead leaves are falling, the days are getting shorter, and there’s a chill in the air. It’s the end of October, and it’s finally the season best known for scantily clad women dressed up as sexy animals, drunk dudes taking their shirts off in bars, and little kids pretending to be whatever their parents make them. On Halloween, there are certain things that all van-dwellers should keep in mind. Remember, not all parents have respect for the mustachioed man with a small dog in a giant (sometimes windowless) van. If you call a van your home, here are some general ground rules to follow on All Hallow’s Eve (and, honestly, pretty much every other day of the year).
Not the Time for Free Candy!
On Halloween, children put their utmost trust in random strangers and ask them for candy. It’s the one day of the year when it is NOT weird for adults to give candy to random little kids. Sadly, the nomadic tribe of van-dwellers aren’t really the type of adults that parents have in mind when it comes to trick-or-treating. Here are some things you should probably avoid this Halloween season.
- For the love of god DO NOT put a free candy sign on your van
- Don’t open your door and hand out candy from your van
- Don’t try to have kids come IN your van for candy. Or for anything. Ever.
- In fact, it’s best to not have any candy in your van. No candy in the van at all.
- Don’t dress up as anything that may require a trenchcoat
- Don’t jump out of your van at children
- Maybe we just shouldn’t interact with children at all…
- This includes sitting with your door open and waving
- Letting them play with your dog
- Luring them away from their parents
- And don’t decorate your van (unless you’re in a driveway)
The things you should avoid on Halloween are the same things you should avoid any other day. Not much actually changes. You just have to fight the temptation to put that Free Candy sign on your van. I don’t know about you, but I REALLY want to!
Still Celebrate Your Halloween!
I know, I know. I made Halloween sound like a total drag. You can’t lure children into your van or wear your favorite trenchcoat in a lawn chair on the side of the road. What are you supposed to do then? Don’t worry, there are still plenty of ways that you can enjoy the holiday as a grown adult. You can:
- Dress up as Spiderman and go climbing in Joshua Tree
- Become a sexy paperclip and turn heads at the local watering hole
- Dress as a normal human, work your 9-5 and go to sleep at a reasonable hour
- Have a scary movie night in the middle of nowhere
- Try to win a costume contest somewhere (without a trenchcoat)
- Go to a friend’s house (not a friend’s van) to help hand out candy
- Hold a giant bonfire in the middle of nowhere while you take psychedelics and dance around either naked or dressed as your favorite cartoon character from classic late-90’s era Nickelodeon, featuring host Stick Stickly (what I’ll be doing)
Keep Doing What You Do Best!
Halloween doesn’t change much when you live in a van, I guess. I think the main takeaway here is that you can pretty much continue to live the same life you’ve been living. But at least the holiday gives a reason to have a little extra fun, be a little extra goofy, or make some extra friends. You should use this Halloween to break out of your shell and get out of your comfort zone! Then apply that philosophy to the rest of your life, and keep doing what you’ve been doing; living life to the fullest. Everyday. No matter what.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN MY FELLOW VAN DWELLERS!!